There was a mall we frequented on weekends whenever it rained. JJ and DD children love it. It was a spacious mall with lots of indoor play areas for the children. Of all the equipment, there was one that JJ was really enthusiastic about. It was a 10 feet tall slide. Going up to the top of the slide involved getting through a rope net crawl and a fairly high pull up to get to the wooden platform at the top. There was a sign at the entrance of the slide at ground level informing shoppers that the slide was meant for children 6-12 years old.
JJ first set eyes on the slide when she was 3 years old. From the moment she saw the slide, she knew she wanted to conquer it. We never suggested the idea to her as we didn’t want to be breaking rules (remember the notice), but she was relentless. We finally gave in and let her try. She crossed the rope crawl after a few tries but always got stuck at the pull up. She had neither the height nor the arm strength to get to the platform. Each time she failed, we would tell her it’s okay. It wasn’t her fault. She had tried her best. Perhaps next time when she got taller and stronger.
Then one day, she got her big break. A kind girl who was about 9 or 10 years old was up there and saw JJ struggling, clearly trying her best to get up to the platform. She gently held JJ at her waist and gave her a lift. Yay! JJ was ecstatic. After months of trying to get to the top of the slide, she finally did it, but with some help. She had lots of fun on the slide with her sister playmate that day.
JJ is being hoisted up by an older girl
Fast forward 6 months after that, going up the slide was no longer a challenge and coming down the 10 foot slide was still a thrilling experience. The only thing was, JJ had a crutch. Although she was much taller (a year has passed since she first attempted the slide and she was almost four years old) and stronger (the benefit of many gym classes), she still believed that she needed someone older to hoist her up to the platform at the top of the slide. She had what it took to accomplish the task herself but past experience of always having help had stopped her from believing that she could do this all by herself.
We arrived at the mall early one morning and JJ was eager to have a go at the slide. Only this time, the mall was quiet and she was there on the lower platform all alone. She had to pull herself up to the top platform. No one was there to help her anymore. Then came the whining, then crying then screaming. She wanted me to go up and help her. I was firm and told her the playground was for children only. At the same time, I tried to encourage her.
“You can do it JJ.”
“I know you are used to having someone help you and you’re afraid now. It’s okay to be afraid. But you are taller and stronger now. You have what it takes to pull yourself up. Breathe in breathe out and listen carefully. You just need to ...”
There I was, trying to calm her down and give her step by step instructions on how to pull herself up. JJ stood there frozen, sobbing away. The fear had overwhelmed her and she didn’t want to try at all. She couldn’t even move to come back down. Meanwhile, it took all of my self-control not to be angry at her. After a long impasse, I settled for disappointment. She finally calmed down enough to climb back down.
I was disappointed. There I was trying to mould her growth mindset but I had failed miserably. All I asked for is that she try. She didn’t even try.
When she finally got down, she asked to play in the adjacent play area and I reluctantly said yes. Deep down, I was still sulking. Yes, not the very best model of a mom trying to cultivate a growth mindset in her child.
After a while, she saw some children playing at the big slide and came back to me asking if she could have another go at the slide. I happily agreed. This time, I told myself, expect nothing of her so that I won’t get angry and disappointed again. At the same time, I could hear myself encouraging her, one step at a time. “It’s okay to stop, then try again. Take deep breaths. Ready, pull, nearly there, yes! You did it! You tried and you did it!” Based on my jubilant cheers and clapping, you would think she won an Olympic medal.
In my eyes that day, she did win. I learnt that growth mindset isn’t something that flows automatically. It is something that arises out of a situation that creates fear and anxiety. More often than not, fear causes our bodies to shut down. I just needed to give her time and space to clear her mind. To get away from the problem and come back when she was ready to visit it from another angle instead of viewing her problem with fear. I didn’t fail that day. I just needed to be more patient.
As I reflected on that incident, one thing that I could have done better was to acknowledge her fear and praise her for her courage to try. Praise her for every effort, no matter how small. To remind her that I was proud of her even when she doesn’t succeed. These small seeds of growth mindset that are planted now will take root and blossom in future situations.
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